Obama: "With the reprehensible violence that continues to occur in our country, it is apparent that the laws against hate are just not working. In order to save our children we need to take stronger measures. So, to combat this torrential outpouring of evil, I am happy to present legislation to Congress that will make evil a federal offense, punishable by life imprisonment or death. I hope we can get bi-partisan support to pass this legislation so we can cure our ailing country, provide a wholesome environment for our children, and keep the good times rolling."
Democratic congressional support is immediate and enthusiastic. Speaking for the entire Democratic party Chuck Schumer, joined by Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, Mark Schauer, Major Owens, Debbie Stabenow, Carl Levin, and Ted Kennedy, stated "We enthusiastically endorse the legislation proposed by the president. We all know evil must be stopped and this is the best way to do it. We can only hope some of the strongly partisan Republicans will see the light and work with us to eradicate evil from our country and the lives of our children."
With the support of moderate Republicans, the measure passes easily and is signed into law by Obama.
It is then sent to the Justice Department for fleshing out into specific rules, regulations, policies, and procedures to specify how the law would be implemented and enforced. Little reported by the media (and so little noticed by the populace), is a proviso in the law that exempts it from the Freedom of Information Act and any Federal (or State) requirements for public disclosure of any proceedings carried out in the determination of the specific rules, regulations, and procedures to specify how the law would be implemented and enforced.
The Justice Department quickly completes its task and begins implementation of the rules, regulations, policies and procedures. As authorized by the statute, the first step is to combine key elements of all Federal law enforcement agencies into a new Cabinet Office called "Government Employees STanding Against evil and Punishing Offenders (GESTAPO). Also authorized were Controlled Access Malfeasant Prisons (CAMPS) for the retention of evil offenders as well as the Occasionally Ventilated Evil Nooks (OVENs) needed to provide a final solution for the disposition of CAMP inmates.
Opponents of the legislation, who are quick to point out the similarity of this organization with the secret police used by Hitler to murder millions of Jews, Christians, and Gypsies, are immediately labeled hate mongers and followers of evil. They are excoriated by the US news media, especially CNN and MSNBC. NBC News Brian Williams dutifully intones the response of the Obama White House, "Any resemblance is purely unintentional and is only being pointed out because of the evil nature of the legislation’s opponents." James Carville is quoted as saying: "These partisan, evil right wing extremists will stop at nothing to harm our children, destroy our country and vilify a fine, honest, law abiding President. They should shut up and get out of the way of our attempts to rid our country of all evil and provide an environment where our children can be safe, secure, well loved, and have high levels of self esteem."
Obama holds a press conference where, surrounded by children and beaming with pride, he introduces the black suited head of the GESTAPO who announces that enforcement of the law will commence immediately. One reporter who stands and attempts to ask a question about the suspension of existing laws by the GESTAPO, is immediately arrested by GESTAPO officers and hustled out of the room. Everyone remaining in the room applauds as Obama states "See, this first arrest under the evil statute shows we are serious about eliminating evil from our midst! Woe to those evil people who resist our efforts to stamp them out! (pounding on the podium for emphasis)"
That night, in a scene eerily reminiscent of the 1930’s Krystal Nacht, thousands of people suddenly disappear – all across America. Some of the notables missing include Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Alan Keyes, the Reverend Billy Graham, Pat Buchannan, Mark Scott and other persons of a strongly Conservative or Libertarian persuasion. The staff of the Conservative News Network and National Review vanish without a trace. Inexplicably NRA members do not show up for the national NRA meeting. The Reagan Library is mysteriously destroyed.
The next day people gather around their expresso machines and discuss the remarkable events of the previous night. "Did you see the black GESTAPO vans last night?", they ask each other. "Yes" they said. "I even helped identify that evil right wing neighbor of mine so he and his family could be taken to the CAMPs." Others look worried and do not join in the conversations.
Later that evening, Obama holds a press conference to announce the initial results of the GESTAPO enforcement activities. He states:
"I am happy to announce that our plan to cleanse evil from America is ahead of schedule! Due to the active participation of people like Ted Turner, Alec Baldwin, Jane Fonda, the members of NOW, People for the American Way, the ACLU, PETA, the Childrens Defense Fund, AARP, and Green Peace (as well as many other non-evil people and organizations) we have begun the arduous process of sweeping evil from America. We are succeeding beyond our wildest expectations. We are actively working to clean the evil residue from the OVENs so we can process more evil people. Soon I will be able to announce that evil has been eliminated from America! "
The media cheers wildly! Obama leaves the press conference with his hands raised in a victory salute.
People turn off their TVs. Some look at each other and say "What have we done?"
Later that night, Satan looks up at Obama from his throne in Hell, smiles and says, "Well done good and faithful servant".